What Do Gay Asian Men Need?

As the one-year mark approaches of the suicide of my dear friend, Wayne, I start to wonder, what the true needs of my fellow gay, Asian men are. We did not see his pain or outlook on life. He was quiet but always seeming to appreciate the people and the world around him. He did not communicate his needs, or if he needed help at all.

It wasn't an issue of language, as his first language was English. As I've delved into the gay, Asian community as my own personal mission, simply making that connection is typically the issue. But taking that for granted, I never knew what was in his heart, in his soul.

Then again, I assume there was pain. I guess it's easy to assume pain is what drove him to take his life. All the time I knew him, I only saw strength. A quiet strength. That's why his death baffles me.

What do gay, Asian men need? What do men need? What do we ultimately need?

Being the Plumbing System

When considering why this blog and its sister blog, Gay Asian Male Express exist, it's to create a flow of information to the gay, Asian male community. Here's a project that's trying to plug into that network. It's a film by a first-time director who had it debut at the Sundance Film Festival. It's playing in Chicago at the Reeling Film Festival.

Here's the description:

“Steamy” might seem like a stereotypical word to describe this hot, hot drama but it’s also fittingly apt. David Cho, a second-generation Korean-American living in Los Angeles, is a quiet and devoted son who works in his parent’s restaurant and, following tradition, accompanies them to the Korean spa for steam baths and scrubs. When his parents are forced to close their restaurant, they become more focused on their dreams of a prosperous future for David. But David has other ideas and wants to make money his own way. When he takes a night job at the spa, he suddenly discovers another side to it and becomes immersed in a sea of covert sexual thrills and indulges in a variety of gay illicit hookups, his erotic fantasies eclipsed by the reality of the nocturnal environment of the spa. Now, David must reconcile his obligations to his struggling immigrant family with his burgeoning sexual desires. Andrew Ahn’s directorial debut, which premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, SPA NIGHT skillfully presents an honest depiction and fresh perspective of the Korean-American experience and features strong, complex performances.

Gay Asians Gather in Chicago

Two social groups, Asians & Friends and Long Yang Club, are gathering in Chicago this Labor Day weekend. Here's photos from one of the first parties. The weekend will include a boat cruise and a gala dinner. Here's the link.

My Yellow Mask

So last night I was in a gay bar, one of those with a back room. Often there's a code of silence in the outdoor patio between the main bar and the covered, boom-boom room. But that's not always the case. Gays are gays, we chat, laugh and drink. It's not a library or church by any means.

So in comes this cute Asian guy I've been talking to. The bartenders love him. He's always smiling and chatting. That's why I like him too. Upbeat, easy on the eyes. Let's call him Brent. So I think, what a great opportunity to tell Brent about our gay, Asian conference, IFCON 2016, that will be happening here in Chicago over Labor Day. Two hundred folks from the Asians & Friends chapters from across the country will be coming here to be with us.  I'm one of the volunteers on the organizing committee. We'd love to have this guy Brent show up and be part of all that gay Asian (and the men who love us) bonding.

I hand him some info, say what the conference is about and he says back, "But I'm only half Filipino."

I'm thinking, "Who cares?" but say something like, "You'll pass."

So later, I'm in that back patio with my drink, talking across the space to another patron--who happens to be Asian--and Brent sits down with us. "Angel, you're too loud," Brent says.

I think, "What the F?"

I was chatting with the guy across the patio but believe me, I wasn't being loud.

"What?" I ask, "I was just talking."

Far from being the upbeat person Brent normally is, he blurts out in this surprising frustration, "You're just too loud!"

I'm thinking, okay, okay. I'm not sure what's going on but I smile and leave to the front bar. Hell, I think I even apologized.

So this morning, I'm connecting the dots. "I'm only half Filipino." That's what he said when I basically told him, "Hey, you're Asian. Come to this Asian conference."

I think he was actually saying to me, "Angel, I'm not that Asian."

Hell, I'm not that Asian too. I'm pretty white or "American" under the skin. But the fact is, I'm still Asian. More Filipino and a quarter Chinese. But no one cares. I'm Asian. That's what non-Asian gays see first and foremost. And I know that here, in Chicago, if I were me and white and standing in the boom-boom room in a down jacket, sweats and birkenstocks, they'd be all over me.

And my loud mouth.

I'm thinking Brent wasn't frustrated with me being "loud," he was frustrated with me. Or him. Or something that he thinks he's not ... but he is.

I know, heavy stuff right? But before I go on, ladies and gentlemen, can I just say that even here in gay middle America, you can be cute and Asian?

I remember deferring to Brent's anger last night because I knew he wasn't angry at me. And I know he's got a heart. 

And I know I can be annoying, potentially obnoxious. But I'm also effervescent, funny and witty. It's my curse. 

So here's my conclusion--and my truth. We all have demons. Unhappy gremlins festering within us. We all have doors to open. Things to discover about ourselves. I'll just meet him again, hopefully on the other side of one of those doors.

Yours with respect,

Angel Bright

Orlando

It's never easy to stumble. To realize something is your fault. Sometimes it takes a while to truly figure out you're your worst enemy. After the Orlando shootings I realized that I could do more. That I fritter away time like it was water. Like it wasn't of value. In some parts of the world, women walk for miles just to bring home water--every day. I've sloughed off on the couch, watching reruns of shows long ago wrapped. Actors who are five, six, seven years older. Shadows. Ghosts.

Today I am a soldier. What I do is build community. That's my job. And the more bonds I build, the more resources I gather, the more energy I direct, the more they diminish.

The truth is, they are powerful and hungry. They are emboldened by a truth that is as real to them as my own. But when they come for me, my truth will be stronger.

Yours in defiance,

Angel Bright

Tying to a Mission

Part of the goal of this blog and for many of my activities within the gay Asian community is to develop a support system and safe, social environments. To that end, I've been approached by a group trying to interview gay Asian Pacific Islanders (API) in Chicago to better understand their health-care needs. Here's a flyer.

Yours in Good Health,

Angel Bright

Raising Funds

Fundraisers can be a pain, but if planned far enough in advance and with enough people behind the cause, it can be a joy--and fun. So in the spirit of putting the fun back in fundraiser, here's "No Business Like Monkey Business," a Loony Lunar Musical Review to benefit Asians & Friends Chicago and its efforts to mount IFCON 2016 in the Windy City over Labor Day. It'll be Sunday, May 22, 2016, at 1 p.m. at Sidetrack, 3349 N. Halsted in Chicago. $20 gets you a free drink. See you there!

Engineering Brotherhood

When I typed in "gay Asian brotherhood" into Google Images, I got this photo. It was a GAM-TV showing that I organized. Needless to say, the discussion of developing a "brotherhood" is underdeveloped. It's something that occurs naturally among those who speak their native languages, but not so much among those who don't or don't identify with their Asian roots.

Why? I think that's a valid question. Something to develop.

Yours in discussion,

Angel Bright

Making Precise Cuts

We all come to a point in our lives when we see that every moment is a blessing. Whether it's after the death of a friend or a "big" birthday or some other milestone event, the feeling of being lucky to be able to jog on a crisp, cool morning; bite into a nice steak; or laugh with friends becomes somehow absolutely evident and spectacular.

I'm not going to say that any one thing hit me on the head to make me feel that very way, but more so a sense that a lot of wasteful behavior I've participated in the past is now unnecessary. Procrastination, distraction, even being fearful are all time sucks and are no longer a part of how I want to spend each of the precious minutes I've got in a day.

From here on out, I'll be devoting myself to identifying and solving my most complex challenges--everything from getting a new mobile phone to getting rid of the clutter around my house to snagging sponsors for our upcoming Asians & Friends international conference. Each of these challenges requires thought and action, specific steps taken with precision. Today I pledge all the time I can to being a surgeon with all my responsibilities, including my job as a dutiful husband, friend, son, brother, relative and colleague.

Yours in determination,

Angel Bright

GAM-TV Prepares to Go Public

Thinking how best to promote both my GAM-TV projects (webisodes--comedies, profiles, documentaries--produced about gay, Asian men) as well as the international Asians & Friends conference coming to Chicago this Labor Day called IFCON 2016, I'm planning to publicly release all of the GAM-TV websodes we've produced over five years. We'll do a drum roll leading up to it through February and hopefully attract sponsors for the effort. Watch for word on all of this in the coming weeks.

Preparing to Max

I wanted to write about planning. Oddly enough, I was watching "Tropic Thunder," a crazy spoof on "Rambo" style movies where Robert Downey Jr. plays an Australian actor portraying a black man and Tom Cruise does a bring-down-the-house performance as a manic Hollywood executive.

At each moment of this crazy film, I was in awe of every single element. The actors, the sets, the planned comic sequences--and the kind of resources necessary to bring everything together. With my small little webisodes, I feel almost embarrassed at trying to do what others are spending every drop of energy and every resource to produce.

Yet, what a delicious endeavor.

I've always wanted to just be an artist. While my job requires me to do many artistic things, I'll always yearn to devote myself 100% to my art.

I'm not going to fool myself into thinking I can replace my current salary, but I'm not going to stop trying to be the artist I am inside.

My revelation last night was the notion of redirecting my energy into maximizing my time outside my professional career towards planning and execution. In my near future there are target dates, opportunities for me to meet, learn, perform and persuade the right people to get me to a different place. I have to say, that a lot of those lessons can happen at work, which is a great opportunity. But outside work, I'll need to allow for rest, education, rehearsal, development and performance, with all of it being calculated and planned. Every step from here on out will be deliberate, with the intent being maximum impact.

Yours in premeditation,

Angel Bright

I Started Thinking About Branding

My to-do lists are the best. I start with stuff like "clean absolutely," which is code for de-clutter. Get rid of everything that I don't wear anymore, is out of date or no longer "me." I then lob into errands that question how much time I have to leave the house, execute and return--keeping in mind how tired I'll be when I get home. Finally, I stumble into moments of entrepreneurial creativity, where I think about the personal projects I started, such as my gay Asian male webisodes (gamTVusa.com, but pardon the reconstruction, we were hacked a few weeks ago). I've produced about a dozen and I'm wondering about next steps.

My to-do list led me to thinking about branding. If I used my webisodes as a launching pad for a brand, then the money made off of advertising and selling the "stuff" (ironic having brought up clutter) that being a part of that brand would mean to people.

In a single vision, a "ping" moment, I reconnected with what "brand" means to me as a gay, Asian man growing up here in the United States. That glaring, tangible thing was a movie, Ordinary People. Though I grew up in Honolulu, it spoke to me.

The story was about a boy living in a not-so-ordinary, affluent suburb of Chicago. (Another irony is that I live in Chicago now.) He was the surviving son from a boating accident that killed his older brother. The older brother was the shining star of the family, with the surviving brother having always been content to live his life as a shadow. After the accident, the mom, dad and son are crippled as a unit and the boy struggles with his own self-inflicted wounds but during the film, claws his way into a new light. Along the way, he becomes open and vulnerable, helped tremendously--here's the gay part--by a warm, wise, bear of a psychologist. Good Will Hunting has a similar storyline.

The moments of tenderness and discovery between the boy and the psychologist still drive into my core.

I read the book, rooted for the movie during the Academy Awards, loved to hate Mary Tyler Moore, wanted a big warm Cardigan sweater that the actor Judd Hirsch wore playing the psychiatrist and will always, always remember those feelings.

As I think about what branding is and why we do it, I'm drawn to what motivates us as people, our need for love, acceptance, comfort, family. It makes us do things so we can have the basics, but more than that, it drives us to discover and express who we are. Building a brand is merely the foundation necessary to keep the idea of a brand alive. Beyond the necessities, brands are symbols of the fire inside of us, what stokes it, what it eats and its beauty as it rages.

It's a merry circle, creating brand. I'm creating a brand to sell stuff, to generate an ongoing stream of capital, so I can fulfill my ultimate passion--recreating that Ordinary People moment for myself and to share it with people like me.

The Price of Fab

Alright, so I'm at the point where I've got to step up my fab game, especially on my birthday. Here I am with my poor hubby Bob who has to get out of the way of my zany expressions of  gla-mour. But of course, there's a cost involved. And with this blog being about the logistics of being a gay, Asian male, here's the rundown:

Wig: $55

Dress: $36

Rings: $4

------------------

Total: $95

Now let's add in a few soft expenses:

Necklace from last year: $15

Bracelets from three years ago: $8

Make-up from many years ago: $15

Dress that I don't have to fight to get into: Priceless.

Yours in accounting,

Angel Bright

Developing Complexity

Our Asians & Friends chapter in Chicago is hosting our larger parent organization's annual conference next Labor Day 2016 and we're developing a strategy to identify and secure sponsors of all shapes and forms--swag contributions to straight-up financial backing. In my mind, that means a marriage of a company's core ideals with ours, as well as bringing to bear our marketing value (as a small organization in the greater scheme of things).

Here's how one of our planning team members responded to my request for a list of sci-fi/comi-con companies to approach:

It's an interesting idea, but we'd really have to propose to these potential donors how our attendees are their target audience. I know a few in the club read comics and maybe watch anime or play board games, but unless we were hosting an anime room or board game room, I'm not sure how we'd get donations. I believe with long-standing anime conventions, anime distribution companies may donate some new films to screen during the convention, to be played in rooms that just show anime all day.

Gaming companies might donate a new game to demonstrate as a way of attracting sales, maybe, but that's if we were an established fan convention. Since our itinerary is basically doing tours of the city and not hanging out at the hotel playing games or watching movies, I don't know how we'd pitch a sponsorship idea.

Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but not sure how to approach this.

Here's my response:

Very true. I don't think we'd score diamond-sponsored donors today, but I know that companies in general are losing out on traditional means of advertising and having to identify groups like ourselves to gain traction with on a piecemeal basis. So-called "influencer" groups. If we connect with the right one, we could always get T-shirts or other give-aways as a start. I'm thinking how we got all that Memoirs of a Geisha stuff that one year.

It's also a crap shoot, so the more I know of who these companies are, the more I can send out feelers and may hit one that is trying to develop grass-roots strategies.

As another part of the strategy, I'll post a survey of our group that I ran by Brad on Basecamp. Its results could better describe who our group is and potentially pose that kind of appeal. Billy gave me the name of Blizzard Entertainment as a start. Might you suggest one or two others? Anyone local too--Midwest or even Chicago?

***

I'm probably naive, but in a world of "cord cutters" and regular consumers finding alternative ways of gaining content, advertisers are looking for unconventional ways to connect with people. It's a bit of a chaotic time, both for advertisers and someone like me who's trying to assess the value of our group and how we could potentially monetize what we have today in an effort to grow for our own purposes.

The end result, in my mind, is an organic, systematic "chipping away" process, where we follow through with each idea, identify companies, inquire, explain who we are and see what develops. If you consider that process, then you think of fractals. They're mentioned in that wonderfully annoying "Let It Go" song from Disney's Frozen. Fractals refer to the chaotic but somewhat organized patterns that form organically, like when water freezes on and creates designs like on glass or with snowflakes. It's not an orderly process, but because there's a repetitive formula embedded in the process, patterns form.

So, see you on the other end of this fractal.

Yours in orderly chaos,

Angel Bright

The Cost of Halloween

As everyone struggles to come up with a costume for Halloween, a few thoughts to consider: Last year, Americans spent $7.4 billion on costumes. Of that $3.2 billion was on costumes--$33.68 per person.

I spent over $100 in Hello Kitty stuff to perform in a local club's "Night of 100 Drag Queens" this week. It was an amazing experience (thank you Sidetrack) and they paid me back that amount as an unexpected surprise, but it's quite a sum. Should I shake my fist and cry "What are we doing?"

Ah, no.

I simply ask, what price joy?

Life has a movement in my eyes. As we cycle through our days on earth, we work, we ponder and we celebrate. We bond, we find commonalities, we create families. If we didn't have Halloween, we'd have some other celebration where we have an opportunity to physically manifest our inner selves. I certainly gave myself permission to burn through my paycheck.

And I had a ball.

Yours in excess,

Angel Bright

Becoming Bright

So here she is, Hello Kitty, as I debut in rehearsal last night as Angel Delusionae [delusion-ay] Bright, my drag persona. The intent is to capitalize on how I got into an indie movie with Margaret Cho that was filmed near Saugatuck, Mich., which is near Chicago. Long story short, "Alaska is a Drag" debuts next spring and in my mind, I had to do everything I could to try to promote myself as part of what could be a strong-performing motion picture--at least in the gay circuit.

While I've been developing a writing persona in the same vein called "Angel Bright," a friend of mine suggested another name based off of a conversation we had about having delusions of fame with this Margaret Cho movie. Believe me, I don't doubt my delusions, but I figure, can't hurt. Sheer luck put me on stage with Margaret Cho and while it would take a tremendous amount of cosmic alignment for me to achieve any amount of celebrity momentum from that one non-speaking appearance as a drag queen, it forced me to put on my best Kitty face and take the stage in a premiere drag show here in Chicago, Sidetrack's "Night of 100 Drag Queens." So here's to being fabulous in my own eyes.

Yours in delusion,

Angel Bright

Night of 100 Drag Queens

While it may seem like an odd thing to do, I signed up to perform in "Night of 100 Drag Queens," a pretty big drag showcase here in Chicago's Boystown strip. I have a couple of things to promote, one being an indie movie I happened to be in with Margaret Cho (due out next spring called "Alaska is a Drag") and the international Asians & Friends conference IFCON 2016, which will be in Chicago next Labor Day (www.ifcon2016.org).

It was a last-minute decision to toss my hat in the ring, and thankfully organizers had not reached their drag limit. (Sidetrack, 3349 N. Halsted, Chicago, Oct. 21-22, 2015. 7 p.m. start.) And after several days of considering my song, hunting for an outfit and creating and rehearsing choreography (not to mention lip syncing), I started to think about why I jumped into it in the first place.

While I've been a dancer for much of my youth and always dreamed of performing for a living, I've long since moved into my life as a business journalist. My financial stability is the fruit of my labor. It seems crazy at this point in my life to try to self promote myself as a performer, even though being in any movie with a major celebrity is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I suppose one never gives up whenever there's a flicker of excitement on the horizon. I mean, I've accepted my lot. I've enjoyed what steady employment provides and for me, it is fulfilling work. Still, it feels good to jump off a cliff every now and then.

Yours in Adventure,

Angel Bright

The Work of Content

One of my errands this weekend was to meet with a friend who is going to act in one of my upcoming GAM-TV webisodes. He had never acted before but because I lost an actor and needed him, he agreed to do it.

While going through line by line, I spoke to him about the intent behind the words. Little by little I saw him getting it. Light bulbs were going off. It was gratifying and fun.

I realized two hours had flown by. While driving home, I thought, when people see the finished product, they'll watch it, hopefully laugh or smile and then go on to some other online video on the Internet. They won't consider the time it takes to prepare, shoot and edit even a five-minute video. So much sweat, energy and expense goes into stuff they'll mentally consume in a matter of minutes or milliseconds.

Recently I was watching a movie filmed in Europe and I thought, gee, every person walking around in the background is a paid extra, someone whose attire was approved and who had to take off that day from work or is somehow self employed--and all in Europe. How expensive was that?

Content is work. Content is complex. None of this is easy.

Yours in complexity,

Angel Bright

Meeting a Female Bank Teller--with a Dick

Hello World:

I'm setting up shop--again, as I try to reshape my life to devote more time to this blog and its companion, GAM Express (about gay, Asian men and their forms of self-expression), please forgive my inconsistency, but know that my intentions are vital and sincere. I am picking up the pen once more to try again.

OK.

I met a wonderful female-identifying and visually female bank teller from Mississippi last night. She was a dear school chum of a good friend of mine visiting Chicago for the weekend. She still has a dick but showed off only her lovely butterfly high heels. Five of us partied at a local drag restaurant and lounge here in the city's Boystown area. She called herself a conservative person, having risen up the ranks at her bank into a supervisory position.

I immediately understood where she was coming from. While I was in a boho-chic drag number, I got the fact that her gender/sex/personal identity stood separate from her values, priorities and actions while on the job, or even on a personal level--politically, financially and socio-economically. None of that stuff has to jibe if it all comes from a thoughtfully grounded place. It's great to be so self-aware. I know I'd need a bit of introspection to get to that place myself.

But not all was roses and champagne in Mississippi. While she was pleased with the GLBT policies and internal mantras within her bank that allowed her to elevate professionally, she wasn't completely out. If many of the people she worked with knew of her gender reality, she felt they would probably disapprove, possibly ask for reassignment or walk. I got that too. I don't know if I would come out if I were in her butterfly shoes, but I do know we all pick our battles. If professional success is a challenge we all face, then we must act as our own generals, craft our own strategies and act deliberately.

As I develop this blog going forward, its mission will be to advocate for the financial success of gay, Asian men. We have many roadblocks, including self-hate and external stereotypes that keep us from assuming formidable positions within the workplace. One of our roadblocks is acceptance, both internally and among people who we conduct business with. We all struggle with this double-edged sword. In meeting my new bank teller friend (I'll assume it's the start of a potential friendship), I began to better imagine my own, soon-to-be-formulated professional life--one that starts with a complete stem-to-stern examination of who I am, inside and out. I'm considering this step because in meeting this new friend, I saw someone who was determined not to let who she was be her downfall. I saw someone interested in succeeding. But in order for her to do so, she had to settle up her own house, make it shine in her eyes and move forward with that.

Sincerely,

Angel Bright

(My new pen name for this blog and GAM Express, which focuses on how gay, Asian men express their spirits, their hearts and their souls.)

On Professionalism vs. Speaking Your Truth

As gay, Asian men, the balance between the image we project at work and the expression of our inner selves may often conflict. Just recently, I spent several hours constructing an aggressively tall Easter bonnet to enter a local contest at a gay bar here in Chicago. Here's a photo of me and my friend, fashion designer, Kevin Vong. Kevin took first place and I took a respectable third, considering the tough competition.

Now, some would consider this decision as a move that might compromise my professional life. While I'm a writer for a trade magazine, I'm not necessarily in the spotlight representing my company; nor am I in a leadership position. That being said, such overt displays of femininity may certainly compromise my ability to move into a leadership role going into the future.

My retort? I have none. I am openly gay at work, and in my mind, the bosses above me will have already judged me--either believing that it makes a difference or that it doesn't. In their gut, they're going to believe one thing or the other. You may disagree, but I don't think they're going to change any of their opinions if they see me in this outfit or not. If they feel negatively about a gay man in leadership, this photo will affirm their belief. If they don't, then they'll think, live and let live.

In this age of social media, I have to go back to my high school days to find something about me that wasn't overtly gay. So for me personally, I crossed that line decades ago.

So in terms of how much do I put out there regarding my own personal expression? What kind of a balancing act do I play with who I am and how I want to be perceived as at work? Well, apparently, I stand defiant in choosing my inner truth above all else.

Now, I'm not going to walk into work dressed like this--hell, I'm not going to walk into a gay bar dressed like this unless it's Easter or I'm just feeling pretty. And doing so wouldn't be speaking my truth either.

But I am through with any real pretense. This wasn't a half-ass hat. It took boning, stitching and a twisted eye. I'm proud of this, as I am proud of being an accomplished, award-winning writer and upbeat, supportive team player at work.